


The Forgotten Friend Club

by nothing_special



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Christine and Jeremy don't work out, Codependency, Crossover, Crying, Depression, Evan/Jared doesn't either, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Jeremy/Michael never happens, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Michael and Jared are part of the forgotten friend club for a while, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Things Get Better, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Love, also even though theres unrequited love it ends with a happy ending, and idk if it isnt obvious but, angst with an eventual happy ending, dear evan hansen/be more chill crossover, everyone is sad for a while, i forgot to mention that evan and zoe dont work out either, learning how to deal with your actions and taking responsibility, non canon complient, sorta - Freeform, takes place after/during Michael in the bathroom and Good for you, theres also a lot of uhhh, theres also mentions of connor so that's important, theres is also a lot of, theres lots of crying, this is also a rly uhhhhhh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-11-01 09:50:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10919370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothing_special/pseuds/nothing_special
Summary: The Connor Project and The Squip start off as things that are good. One sheds light upon Evan Hansen, while the other sheds light upon Jeremy here. When things go too far, friendships become complicated and broken, which leave Jared and Michael alone. Or maybe not. The forgotten friend club might not be so shitty after all.





	1. We Don't Know Each Other

    “Get out of my way,  _ loser. _ ” Jeremy hissed, his tone almost  _hateful._

 

Michael bit his tongue as he moved out of the way, holding back a frustrated yell as Jeremy walked out. Jeremy's shoulder bumped with his, making Michael stumble back slightly. He shut the door behind him, quickly locking it. Michael had to resist slamming his fist into the door. It wasn't fair. What had  _ he _ done to deserve this? All Michael had done for years was look out for Jeremy, and suddenly just because of some stupid computer pill he was all by himself in a bathroom, on the verge of a  _ panic attack _ . 

 

He sunk down onto the floor, his back against the door. He pulled his knees to his chest, his breaths became uneven as he heard a girl call out from behind the door.

 

“Hello! Other people have to pee!” Michael cringed.

 

“I'm on my period!” He heard a sigh from the other side of the door, accompanied by an understanding,

 

“Take your time, honey.” Once he was certain she'd left, he buried his head in his hands, his chest heaving as emotions bubbled up inside of him. Anger. Sadness…Hopelessness.

 

The muffled music that could be heard from outside of the bathroom felt too loud, making Michael's head hurt. He took a deep breath. 

 

_ If I disappear, nobody will notice,  _ He thought, clenching his jaw as his breathing became uneven again. _ I’d rather stay here than stand out there pretending I belong.  _ Michael clenched his fists, swallowing. Jeremy used to help him through things like this. Tears threatened to fall as he inhaled sharply. Jeremy...Things were so much better when it was just the two of them against the world. Back then he was…part of  _ something _ . He knew it wasn’t his fault...but his entire being was screaming otherwise. He choked on a sob, pulling his glasses off as he wiped his angry tears away with the palms of his hands. He wished Jeremy were there. He needed to talk to  _ somebody. _

 

“I just,” Michael took a deep breath, nearly laughing bitterly, because he was  _ alone in a bathroom talking to himself. _ All because his asshole of a best friend, no,  _ Jeremy Heere,  _ had left him alone. “I’m hiding here, and he’s out there enjoying himself like nothing is wrong. What happened to us against the world?” Michael heaved a sob as he heard some drunk girl singing outside. Jeremy always thought drunk girls were funny. 

 

_ Knock. _

 

_ Knock. _

 

_ Knock. _

 

_ Knock. _

 

Michael’s breathing quickened and he covered his ears, the knocks too loud.  

 

“I-I’ll be out soon!” He managed between his gasping breaths. He couldn’t breathe. Michael heard Jeremy’s voice in his head.  _ Breathe in, breathe out. _

 

_ Knock! _

 

_ Knock! _

 

_ Knock! _

 

_ Knock! _

 

Why did Jeremy leave him here alone? Memories of him hugging Michael during panic attacks arose. 

 

_ Knock! _

 

_ Knock! _

 

_ Knock! _

 

_ Knock! _

 

Michael stumbled to his feet, chest heaving as he stared at his distressed figure in the mirror. His hair was sticking up, his face flush and wet with tears that rolled from his panic filled eyes.

 

_ CLANG! _

 

_ CLANG! _

 

_ CLANG! _

 

_ CLANG! _

 

The pressure in Michael’s head was building up, his breathing raspy and uneven as he tried to block out the too loud knocking. He placed his palms onto the sink’s surface, his head down as he tried to recollect his thoughts and calm himself down. Tears dripped down into the sink as he wiped his runny nose.

 

_ BANG! _

 

_ BANG! _

 

_ BANG! _

 

_ BANG! _

 

“ _ I shouldn't've shown up, I shouldn’t’ve shown up,I shouldn't've shown up,I shouldn't've shown up, I SHOULDN’T’VE SHOWN UP!”  _  Michael rasped, his hands shaking as he turned on the faucet, and splashed the cold water onto his face. The coolness of it seemed to help a bit.

 

The quiet was suddenly deafening. 

 

_ I should’ve stayed home. No. I should’ve killed myself before. I wish I wouldn’t’ve been born. _

 

The muffled music from outside continued, Michael’s breaths slowing, despite his dark thoughts. Whoever had been there was gone. Michael didn’t have to come out anymore. He dried off his face with his shirt and put his glasses back on. He turned the faucet off, observing himself in the mirror again. His hair was still messy and his face was damp, but his eyes weren’t panic filled and his cheeks weren’t flushed. He took one last deep breath, unlocking and opening the door, practically yelling as someone fell forwards into the bathroom.

 

“Ah, shit!” The teen in front of Michael cursed as he pushed himself back onto his feet. Michael felt more panic rising up inside of him.

 

“Were you...Were you listening?!” He exclaimed in a slightly harsh tone. 

 

“Y-Yes, I m-mean, no! I, uh...I saw people banging on the door so I came to see what all the ruckus was about.” The shorter boy looked away, his fingers gripping the fabric of his shirt.  “Then they went away, and well, I was going to leave too but i heard you breathing heavily and my first thought was, ‘Holy shit, this guy’s jacking off”, but then it sounded like you were having some sort of panic attack and well, my friend-” he stopped himself, a look of pain present in his features for a brief moment before he cleared his throat and continued, “My  _ Ex _ best friend had anxiety and I was just sorta falling into a habit and-”

 

“I’m fine.” Michael interrupted a little too coldly, trying to mask his fear and insecurity. The teen in front of him stopped, staring for a moment.

 

“Sorry.” Michael stilled a bit at the other’s tone of voice. It was quieter than before and he seemed almost upset. Michael sighed, running a hand through his hair.  

 

“No...Don’t be. I just kinda freaked.” Michael shoved his hands into his jean pockets

 

“I heard you yell ‘I shouldn’t’ve come.’ Are you okay, man?” Michael felt a knot form in his throat, making it hard to swallow.

 

“No.” he admitted, clenching his fists at his sides.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” The other asked softly, almost nervously, as if he was afraid of being rejected. As if he really did want to help. 

 

“We don’t know each other.”   
  


“Does it matter?” Michael stayed quiet  for a moment, the music playing from a few rooms over masking their silence. 

 

“No.” He finally responded. The other stepped into the bathroom and shut the door behind himself. 

 

“What’s your name?” The boy pushed his glasses up slightly.

 

“Michael Mell. Yours?”

 

“Jared Kleinman.”

 


	2. We Can't Just Sit Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to dead_girl_walkiing for proofreading part of this chapter!!!! Take a look at her boyf riends fic, The Living City!!!!

Michael sat on the edge of the bathtub, Jared doing the same. Michael didn’t really know where to start with all of this. It was such a long, and unrealistic story. 

 

“You wanna talk about what happened, man?” Jared questioned, which made Michael shrug and sigh softly.

 

“S’why we're here, isn't it?” he stared down at his feet, slouching as his hands gripped at the tub’s edge. He swallowed thickly, finding it hard to talk about this. He'd only ever talked to Jeremy about these things, so why was he suddenly trying to talk to this Jared guy? It was probably from the beers he'd had. They had to have had something to do with it. Michael didn't just  _ talk _ . Especially not to people he doesn't know.

 

_ It’s because you have nobody else.  _ Michael cringed internally at the thought. He shoved it away, not wanting to cry again.

 

“I, uh…My best friend-”  _ and only friend _ , Michael thought, “Jeremy...He ditched me. We've been friends for over twelve years. Then suddenly, he got all popular and now it's like I don't exist.” Michael let out a small huff, his knuckles white from the way he gripped the edges of the tub. He held back the information about the squip. “We used to be closer. With him, I felt like I was part of somethin’, y’know? I was his player two. Now I'm just a weirdo in a bathroom. I mean, he called me a  _ loser _ , Jared. We used to be losers together!” Michael could feel tears forming in his eyes and he cursed himself for letting Jeremy fuck him up like this. He looked back at Jared, who'd been silent the entire time. 

 

Unbeknownst to him, Jared had been associating Michael's words with his own experiences. Jared had his own issues, all of them concerning Evan Hansen and his fucked up lie. Things were complicated between them, he'd like to think. They weren't though. Not to Evan. Jared's insecurities and fears of being left alone left him acting like some sort of nonchalant asshole, because that's what people thought was funny, right? Making dickish jokes and being jokingly arrogant? He wouldn't know. He had no  _real_ friends.

 

“I...know how that feels.” Jared laughed a little.  It sounded hollow. “Would you believe me if I said I was in a similar situation?” Memories buzzed through Jared's head, and he tried to recollect his thoughts. Michael straightened up slightly, intrigued. Were their situations really similar? Maybe Jared was like him. Then again, Jared could just be saying that to make him feel better. The thought made Michael feel pathetic.

 

“You are?” he asked quietly, his voice clearly portraying his reluctant curiosity. Maybe Jared  _was_ like him.

 

Yeah.” Jared replied bluntly. He stayed quiet for a moment, thinking about everything that had happened, and Michael was about to say something before Jared spoke up again. “Ever heard of The Connor Project?” 

 

“You mean that thing that that kid started after his best friend offed himself?” Michael failed to see any sort of connection between The Connor Project and his own situation. Jared could clearly hear the confusion in Michael's voice.

 

“Yeah, the kid's name is Evan Hansen.” He took a deep breath. “Well you see, the thing about The Connor Project is that it wasn't just started and run by him. I helped him with all of it, and so did a girl named Alana.” Michael raised his eyebrows, clearly surprised. Jared let out a sort of uneasy chuckle, looking down at the ground as he crossed his arms and leaned back slightly. He hoped that Michael couldn’t sense his underlying distress. “Suddenly now that he’s popular because of it, he acts like he doesn’t need me. Maybe he doesn’t. I could tell anybody his biggest secret, even you, and it would ruin him.” Jared paused, bouncing his leg up and down slightly, trying to pull his thoughts together. “I won’t though, and do you know why?” Michael nodded, already knowing the answer. “I care about him too much to ruin his happiness. I can’t just do that because he decided I wasn’t worth lugging along, you know?”

 

“I know what you mean.” Michael spoke up, his voice quiet. “I wish Jeremy still needed me.” He continued, his voice cracking slightly as he felt tears well up in his eyes.  _Joder..._ He cursed internally. There was no way that he was about to cry in front of some guy he didn't know. " _Mierda, mierda, no..._ " He spoke under his breath as he clutched the edges of the bathtub in his hands. A few tears rolled down his cheeks. Jared briefly wondered what he'd said. _Sounds like Spanish,_ He thought.

“Aw, come on, man...Don’t cry.” Jared placed a hand on Michael’s back. He was really bad at this. “If you cry, I’ll cry and then everyone is going to be crying.” Michael wiped his tears away with the sleeves of his shirt and sniffled. He let out a small laugh. 

 

“Sorry, I just…” Michael trailed off, taking a deep breath before continuing. “I miss him, Jared. I don’t have anybody else.” He clenched his jaw, his throat sore and his face flushed from the way he was holding back his sobs.  Jared could tell from the way Michael’s voice seemed strained.

 

“I…” Jared bit the inside of his cheek, unsure of what to say.  He wanted to cry, to yell, to do something other than just sit in a bathroom and feel sorry.  He reminded himself that he  _ was _ doing something.  He was helping someone who was hurting just as much as him.  Someone who could possibly become a friend, if Jared didn’t fuck it up. “Look, man. Jeremy sounds like he used to be a great guy, and I’m really sorry that he did this, but you can’t just- No,  _ we  _ can’t just sit here and let these things happen to us.” 

 

“I  _ want  _ to though. I just want everything to be over.”

 

“Me too.” Michael looked up at Jared, opening his mouth to say something before stopping as the smell of smoke filled his nose. It seemed like something was burning.

 

“Hey...Is that smoke?” Michael stood, furrowing his brow. Jared gave him a confused look, sniffing the air. He nodded.

 

“Maybe it’s just someone-”

 

“FIRE!” Michael and Jared both jumped at the loud screams and sounds of crackling fire that suddenly erupted from the house. They looked at each other, eyes wide. It took less than a second for both of them to bolt out of the bathroom, coughing as smoke filled their lungs. Michael pulled his shirt over his nose and mouth, practically diving down onto the floor and dragging Jared down with him. 

 

“Stay low!” He yelled over the sounds of pained screaming and roaring flames. He could feel panic rising up inside him as his eyes scanned the area for some sort of escape. He tried to control his breathing, not wanting to inhale any smoke. His head was pounding, his thoughts racing. What if they didn't get out? That wasn't going to happen, right?  If they didn't, would Jeremy miss him? Jared placed a hand onto his shoulder, making Michael look back at him. Jared looked just as panicked as him, which only scared him more.

 

“Michael!” he called, “We need to move! There's no time to panic!” Jared was just as terrified Michael, but he tried not to show it. He crawled forwards towards a door down the hall, hoping that it was some sort of bedroom. They needed to get to a window. “We have five minutes before we get burned alive, come on!” 

 

Michael’s chest heaved as he hurriedly followed Jared. He coughed as he inhaled some smoke despite them being low and his shirt covering his face. Jared placed the back of his hand onto the door handle, twisting it when he was certain that it wasn't hot enough to the point where he knew there'd be a fire on the other side. He pushed the door open, helping Michael up as they rushed into the room. Their eyes burned from the smoke, and it was a becoming hard to see. 

 

Jared grabbed onto Michael's wrist, moving forwards to one of the windows on the wall. If the situation weren't deadly, he would've made a no homo joke. He briefly wondered if Michael would laugh before he pushed the window open. No time for thoughts like that. He turned to face Michael who's eyes were wide with panic. The temperature of the room was rising, and both of them knew that they had to move.

 

“You have to jump!” Jared yelled over the sounds of crackling flames. Michael gulped. He couldn't do this, there was no way he could- Jared pulled him forwards, interrupting his thoughts. “ _ MICHAEL!”  _ he snapped out of his panic-filled daze and nodded quickly, trying hard not to think about the height as he pulled himself out of the window and onto the edge of the roof. He helped Jared out, both of them sharing a glance before jumping off. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow y'all are nice to me.  
> Seriously though, I'm really happy that I've gotten nothing but love so far!!!! I hope you enjoy the chapter! I showed a bit of Michael speaking Spanish, as I speak it as well, and I figured that it would be the first language he learned, along with tagalog. That being said, even though I speak Spanish most of the time because of the area in which I live, I still curse in English when I'm distressed because it is my native language. Basically I'm projecting because why tf not
> 
> https://sharkoregano.tumblr.com is my tumblr by the way!!!!!!!! I post a lot of bmc and deh stuff there and also draw sometimes!


	3. The Squip Enters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friendly reminder that I have a tumblr!!
> 
> https://sharkoregano.tumblr.com
> 
> feel free to shoot a message over my way if you have any questions or just want to talk!!! I'm always happy to make new friends.

     “Did you hear what Rich did?” It started off as whispers, barely audible and yet still somehow echoing through the room.

 

     “I can't believe he was sober!” Jeremy listened in, tuning out the sound of his teacher droning on and on and on.  

 

     “I didn't see it but I swear I know what happened!”  He didn't need to listen to the teachers anymore. If he got called on, the Squip would give him any answer that he needed.

 

     “I heard he fled to Bombay!” Jeremy tried to weed out the true information, ignoring what was obviously false. Which was, here, Rich fleeing to Bombay.

 

     “No, he went to the hospital!” That part sounded reasonable, Jeremy decided.

 

     He couldn’t take all this. He had to know what happened, not what everyone else thought happened. Sure, he could try his best to piece together all this information but, there was only so much that he could do. Jeremy stared ahead at the classroom’s ugly carpet flooring, resting his chin on his hand. He’d always thought that the classrooms in the high school were ugly, with their puke green colored carpeting and fluorescent lighting.  

 

_      They're saying Rich is in the hospital… _

 

     “I feel so bad for Jake... He broke both of his legs!”

 

     “That’s horrible!”

 

_      And that Jake broke both of his legs trying to escape the fire! That's awful! Why would Rich’s Squip let him do that?! _

 

     Jeremy's head buzzed as he tried to comprehend all the information being spread. What the hell was going on? There was no way that had happened, right? It must've been some sort of exaggerated story from Jenna Rolan.

 

**_Rich was under significant pressure at home, Jeremy, and unfortunately with the alcohol he consumed, his Squip was deactivated. He lacked the proper...coping mechanisms. Drunk and frustrated, he did indeed set the fire._ **

 

     Jeremy dug his nails into the palm of his free hand, various emotions bubbling up inside of him.

 

_      Did you know about this?! You told me to get out of the house as soon as possible! _

 

**_I was aware of the many timelines where it happened, yes._ **

 

_      Did you know that people were going to get hurt? _

 

     Jeremy already knew the answer. The Squip had near infinite knowledge. Of course it knew. The thought just frustrated him. The fact that the Squip could hear his thoughts only angered him further. He bit the inside of his cheek as he pulled his hand away from under his chin, instead letting it rest on his desk. He tapped his nails softly against its surface, not caring if it was the most annoying thing in the world. He had other things to worry about.

 

_      Do you not trust me, Jeremy? _

 

     Jeremy's thoughts shifted. Did he trust the Squip? Honestly, did it even matter anymore?

 

_      Doesn't matter. Tell me this though, why me? _

 

**_I…do not understand your question._ **

 

_      Why my head? You could be in some powerful leader's head, some celebrity! Anyone else! So why me? Why a high school loser?! What do you want from me? _

 

**_My one and only purpose is to help you. To make your life better-_ **

 

_      Well good job! My best friend thinks I'm a jerk, and I hurt Brooke! Then there's Christine, who you were supposed to help me with in the first place! I've made no progress with  _ _ her whatsoever! _

 

     Even in Jeremy's own thoughts, you could hear the desperation. His teacher continued speaking, blissfully unaware of how Jeremy tried not to let his emotions show on his face.  After a while of having a Squip, he'd found it'd become easy. That didn't make his emotions any less stressful, however.

 

**_I will, but she's a human, Jeremy! Humans make mistakes I must account for!_ **

 

     Jeremy bounced his leg up and down, trying to make the emotions flooding through him die down.

 

_      You were supposed to make things better! Why haven't you?! _

 

     For the first time, the Squip almost seemed to hesitate.  Jeremy took it as a victory, almost. It satisfied him, in a way. 

 

     Unbeknownst to him, however, was that  Michael was having his own internal battle. 

 

     It was horrible, the way that Michael had been feeling like shit ever since Jeremy had abandoned him. Michael hadn’t gone to school that day. He’d left home with a fake smile and an empty backpack. He had walked to a secluded area that Jeremy and him had often visited. It had been their favorite spot, a small rectangular plot of land surrounded by dozens of trees. They used to call the trees that surrounded it a forest, even though it was just a bit too small to be one. He listened to the sounds of the nearby creek as he padded across the small grassy field, making his way to the part of the ‘forest’ that contained his and Jeremy’s favorite tree. He let himself be immersed in his thoughts as he walked. 

 

     Part of Michael wished he’d never met Jeremy in the first place, but he knew that he wouldn’t’ve been happy if he hadn’t. He hated those thoughts, because they were irrational. Of course he didn’t wish that he’d never met Jeremy. He just wished he’d been able to stop Jeremy from taking that godforsaken Squip. Michael felt so incompetent for letting him put that  _ thing _ into his body. He should’ve known it would go wrong. 

 

     He should’ve known it would’ve caused him so much pain.

 

     Maybe the squip wasn’t so bad, and he’s just selfish, he thought. Maybe it was all just him being distraught because somehow, Jeremy had found happiness without him. He was furious and he wasn’t sure if it was with himself or Jeremy. Did it matter? Either way, he hated the fact that he was so lonely without Jeremy. Even more so he despised the way that all their treasured memories had become sour in nearly an instant. 

 

_      I’m selfish _

 

     Michael finally reached  his and Jeremy’s favorite tree, beginning the short climb to his favorite part of it. He sat on a low branch, barely four feet off of the ground, and picked at the tree’s bark, his thoughts blurring as he sunk deeper and deeper into them. Had he come here to torture himself? To be reminded of all that had happened? 

 

     Maybe it was to remind himself of how he’d failed Jeremy.

 

     Did it even matter anymore? Day by day, Jeremy was drifting further and further away and Michael didn’t know how to stop it. Perhaps he didn’t want to, either. It seemed so difficult, so impossible to pull Jeremy back. Before, he’d felt like he could do anything, but only when he had his player two. 

 

     The birds chirping happily in the trees around him were a bitter reminder that the world could go on, even without him. He put on his headphones, leaning against the trunk of the tree and putting on some music. He sang softly, the low sweet words feeling bitter in his mouth.

**\--**

 

     Jared’s laptop laid on the end of his bed, Jared laying on his stomach in front of it. It was early evening and him and Evan were on a Skype call, whose intention was for Jared to read the email he’d written to Evan. They did this every time that he finished an email. It had become a tradition of sorts, if you could even call it that.  Jared found he loved it more than he should have. He loved any sort of contact with Evan. Though if he was honest, Evan had been letting all the positive attention get to his head. He'd gotten bossy, and his reactions to Jared's asshole-like nature had changed. Usually Jared poked fun at him all the time, and it was funny. It made him forget they were only 'family friends'.  Jared himself said it all the time. It was infuriating, the way he sabotaged his own interactions. He wanted to be more than just family friends, but his insecurities left him pretending he wanted to push Evan away, when in reality, he wanted to pull him close. 

 

     Now though, Evan had distanced himself, and Jared felt more alone than ever. There was Michael though.

 

     Jared's memories of what happened after jumping from the window with him were blurry, but few things stood out. 

 

     The pain he felt buzzing through his body as the wind was knocked out of him. The way he could hear Michael gasping for air next to him. The sounds of screams combined with the screeching of sirens. His heart hammering in his chest as he sat up, pulling Michael up as well. The most clear memory was the way that his own chest heaved like Michael's as he attempted to take hold of him by his shoulders. 

 

     The throbbing pain that had radiated from Jared's shoulder had made him cry out, his breaths becoming heavier as hot tears gathered in his eyes. He remembered the way he clenched his jaw, looking at Michael and using his free hand to take hold of his shoulder. What he said was a mystery to him, but it was likely similar to what he used to say when him and Evan were younger and  Jared would try to calm Evan down during a panic attack. The next thing he remembered was the way he screamed as a nurse popped his shoulder back into place. 

 

     After all that, Michael had wanted to talk more. 

 

_      "Hey...we, uh... Don't have anybody else, do we?" _

 

_      "Okay, first of all, rude-" _

 

_      "Wait, shit- I just mean, maybe we could keep in touch?" _

 

     Jared remembered laughing at how Michael had almost seemed to act like Evan for a brief moment, and the way Michael had joined him in his laughter. They'd exchanged numbers, and Jared hadn't been sure when to text, or what he'd even say, because he didn't want to be annoying and-

 

     "Jared?" Evan snapped Jared out of his thoughts.

 

     "Hm, what? " 

 

     "Are you gonna read or not?" The annoyance in Evan's voice was clear as day, nearly making Jared grimace. He hid it with a scoff as he rested his head on his palm. 

 

     " _ Are you gonna read it or not?? _ " He mocked, rolling onto his back.  

 

     "Just read!" Jared huffed a small, 'whatever' before beginning rolling back onto his stomach to read enthusiastically. It was the only way to hide the fact that Evan’s words were beginning to get to him.

 

     "Dear Evan Hansen,

Life in rehab is alright, I guess. I like the yoga and the sharing circles that we have every night. The stories that you hear around here would scare you half to death, and I swear there are people here that suck dick for meth. It's hard to believe isn't it? Or maybe it isn't. Doesn't matter.  One more thing though, you know that guy from our school, Jared Kleinman? He’s insanely cool, don’t you think? I think we should make him a part of our awesome friendship we have, our adorably heartwarming friendship-"

 

     "Alright, no, Jared." Evan interrupted, his irritation obvious. 

 

     "Wha- Why not?!"  Jared had hoped that maybe, it'd be like when they wrote the first emails. He'd write down some bullshit, and Evan would let out an exasperated sigh and correct it. His irritation was different now, though. Less tolerant, maybe. Pushing that thought away, Jared held back a smile as he took a moment to reminisce about that day they wrote the first email. He'd called Evan adorable and he'd almost panicked. Evan was too invested in the emails to notice though. Or maybe he wasn't and he'd thought Jared was just messing with him. He wasn't sure. It had been a complete accident when he'd called him that, but he meant it. His thoughts were interrupted by Evan's rambling.

 

     "Because that's not how the story goes, Jared! He had no friends, I was his only one, okay?" Jared felt disappointment rise up inside of him. It wasn't going to be the same ever again, was it? Jared hid the feelings inside of him with false annoyance.

 

     “Oh, sorry. Didn’t know that I wasn’t allowed to make things up for your made up story, Evan.” He retorted. He bit down onto his tongue, waiting for Evan’s response.

 

     “Whatever, just don’t change the story.” The sounds of keys clicking began as Evan typed something out. The way Evan didn’t even seem to care felt like a stab to the heart.

 

     “W-Well, if you want me to change it, you’ll have to wait until Monday.” Jared mustered up all the practiced confidence that he’d been using for years. 

 

     “Why?” Evan questioned, the sounds of keys clacking ending abruptly. Just as expected. He only cared if whatever he said had anything to do with The Connor Project. This still made Jared grin, however. That’s what he wanted, to capture Evan’s attention.

 

     "Well, because I have plans with my camp friends this weekend! My _ real _ friends.” He lied. Part of him hoped Evan would show some ounce of concern, or maybe jealousy, or  _ something, w _ hich he didn’t. He simply began typing away again, his focus shifting to whatever he was doing at the moment. 

 

     “Oh, uh, actually I think we’re good on emails for now. Alana and I are focusing on bigger stuff right now.”  

 

     Ah, it appeared Jared’s plan had backfired. Despite everything, Jared hadn’t expected that. He felt a twinge of dissatisfaction go through him. He felt unwanted.  It was time to take a different route, Jared decided. One that would make sure he was included.

     “Oh, well I can help with some fundraiser stuff! I am the treasurer after all!” He offered. He made sure that the tone of his voice sounded nonchalant. 

 

     “Oh, uh, that won’t be necessary. Alana and I have the fundraiser under control.” Evan replied in that one tone Jared hated so, so, much. The one that meant he didn’t care.  “I’ll let you know if I think of anything though.” Jared let out a huff, messing with a loose thread on his bedsheets. He tried thinking of something to say, something that would keep the conversation flowing. He didn’t want to hang up.

 

     “Right. So you finally got your cast off, huh?” 

 

     “Oh, yeah.” Came his uninterested response. This irritated Jared. He fucking hated how nothing he said ever mattered to anyone. So he did what he always did. He hit the spots that he knew would bother Evan the most, playing it off as a joke, when really, it was his way of occulting the way his emotions were rising up inside of him. 

 

     “That’s great. Must’ve been a real mood killer to have to see your brother’s name on your boyfriend’s arm when you-” he began, his irritation hidden behind his joking demeanor. He was quickly interrupted by Evan.

 

     “That’s not how it is, Jared. We aren’t...telling anyone.” Right. It was all some huge secret that Evan Hansen, Connor’s ‘ _ best friend’ _ was going out with Connor’s sister. If Jared was being honest, he hated it. Nothing hurt more than being in love with somebody who didn’t care about your existence. Oh, wait. There was something worse.  

 

     Sabotaging your own interactions with them because you don’t know how to deal with it.

 

     “Right, of course. You must have other things to focus on. Like building that orchard for Connor, because if there was one thing the guy loved, it was trees.” Jared stopped, his voice gaining a mocking tone as he continued, “Oh, wait,  _ you _ love trees. That’s weird. Isn’t that weird? I guess I shouldn’t tell anyone about that either, huh?” Jared knew that he hit a weak spot when Evan just barely flinched. Before Evan could even reply, Jared heard the barely audible sound of Heidi’s voice.

 

     “What are you up to, honey?” 

 

Before Jared knew it, Evan ended the call. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope that you guys didn't find that boring!!! I had to set up some of the plot stuff for the next chapter though. Originally, this chapter was supposed to be just Jeremy and Evan dealing with shit, but I felt like it was too much like the musicals. Of course, the musical's plots are very important to the fic, which I really hope doesn't bore you guys, but I promise, soon there'll be more kleinman and heeresen. I just gotta get the musical events out of the way. That being said, The support I've been getting from some of you is wonderful!!! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! It was just a bit longer than the last ones.


	4. French Fries and Milkshakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't abandoned this I sw ear

     Jared sat in the dimly lit room for a moment, his eyes glued to the laptop’s screen. The light of the setting sun bathed the room in a peach colored glow. The way the room seemed almost blissful was too much for Jared. He briefly wondered how the world dared be so beautiful when he felt like it was crashing down upon him. He shut his laptop and set it onto his bedside table. He swallowed thickly as he let himself fall back upon his bed, the green comforter feeling soft under him as he glared cruelly at the ceiling. A single glow in the dark star stared back down at him, not yet glowing because of the gradually dimming light that shone through the window. He pushed his glasses up on his face as he rubbed his eyes. 

 

     He didn’t bother pushing them back down as he began to think about everything that had happened thus far. All of the loneliness he’d endured, all of the anger and insecurity. Jared had tried, he really had. Maybe just not enough, he thought to himself. Or maybe, he wasn’t the problem. Yeah. This was Evan’s fault, he thought in annoyance. 

 

     Even so, there was nothing that Jared wanted more than to kiss those lying lips and feel the other’s warm embrace. Jared’s arm came to rest over his eyes as he took a deep breath. There was no use wallowing in his own misery, he decided. There had to be something to get his mind off of Evan. 

**\--**

     Michael’s phone vibrated in his pocket, interrupting the peace of the surrounding area. It had been hours since he’d arrived. After the school day had ended, he’d messaged his parents. He’d told him that he would be out for a few hours, even going as far as to say that he’d be at Jeremy’s. They didn’t have to know he was just wandering around by himself. Michael ignored the buzzing of his phone. He was far too busy enjoying the peach and lilac colored sunset that painted the sky. He closed his eyes once his phone stopped buzzing and breathed in the scent of the surrounding nature. His thoughts had stilled long before. He had tried focusing solely on feeling better and enjoying the surrounding area. Michael had walked around for a while, wandering into the areas where he shared the most memories with Jeremy. He remembered how him and Jeremy had once planned on building a shelter of sorts in a particularly hidden area that sported what you could barely call a stream. They were only 12 years old and Jeremy had stopped him in the area one day, telling him about how he wanted to run away and live in their barely half constructed fort. Michael remembered being confused.

 

_     "Why would you ever want to run away?” He’d asked, a concerned look in his eyes as Jeremy kicked a pebble and kept his gaze on the ground. _

 

_      “Would you come with me, Michael?” Jeremy still kept his gaze plastered to the ground _

 

_      “What?” Michael had tilted his head to the side, looking at Jeremy with the same concerned look as before.  _

 

_      “Would you come with me?” Jeremy repeated with a quivering voice as he looked up at Michael. His eyes were watering, Michael had realized.  _

_      “Yes.” _

 

     Michael’s phone buzzed again and caused him to open up his eyes and glare. He huffed as he shoved his hand into his pocket and pulled out his phone.

 

     Oh. It was Jared. Michael shouldn’t’ve been surprised. Jared had been the only one he’d been talking to for the past week. They hadn’t been able to meet up lately due to their inconsistent schedules. Though they found out that they lived in the same town, which was convenient. Michael answered his phone and put it up to his ear. 

 

     “Sup?” Jared’s tone of voice sounded nonchalant, and Michael could practically see the slight smirk on his face.

 

     “Jared?” He questioned, his way of asking why he’d called. The response he’d gotten wasn’t exactly what he’d expected.

 

     “No, it’s the sax man and his wooden boot.” Before Michael could even ask what the fuck Jared was saying, he continued with a small huff. “ _ Yes it’s Jared. _ ”

 

     “Uh, yeah, quick question?”

 

     “Yeah?”

 

     “What the fuck?” The only response Michael got was a snort from Jared. 

 

     “Felt like calling. Didn’t feel like wallowing in self-pity, you know?” Jared continued. Michael noticed the way his tone shift. He wondered what exactly had happened. 

 

     “I doubt talking to me is any better.” Michael replied. He wanted to ask what was wrong, but he wasn’t one to pry. Jared would tell him if he wanted to. Jared laughed bitterly. 

 

     “I highly doubt that. Nothing is worse than thinking about kissing your ex-best friend.” There was a moment of silence on Jared’s end. “Well the point is I'm gay and pining and I’d rather not do that right now.” Michael picked at the bark of the tree he was perched on as he gazed at the now darkening sky. He hopped off of the low branch and stumbled slightly as his feet hit the ground. 

 

     “We should meet up.” Michael spoke up as he began the walk back out of the small woods. The quiet sounds of the flowing creek were soothing as he passed over the small bridge that went over it.

 

     “Sound good to me. When did you have in mind?” Jared inquired, sounding interested now.

 

     “Dunno, I’m thinking of heading to Gus’s right now. I’m nearby.” MIchael replied as he began the trek across the prairie that separated the small woods from the main road. He was weary about visiting the area, as he wasn’t exactly allowed there, especially since there was a daycare in front of it. 

 

     “Gus’s, huh?” Jared huffed a small laugh. “Didn’t take you for a 50s diner type of guy.” Michael practically hear Jared smirking. He shrugged, despite the fact he knew for a fact that Jared couldn’t see him. He was careful to be sure that he went unseen as he hurried out from behind the daycare. It wouldn’t exactly look good to see a hoodie clad teen sneaking around there after all. Michael was glad that the small diner happened to be right next to the daycare. The blue neon lettering on the large yellow sign glowed brightly. 

 

     “Whatever, they have good burgers.” Michael laughed a little as he pushed open the door and greeted the waitress at the counter with a small nod. “So you down or what?” Michael leaned against the wall next to the door, peering over at the Elvis statue that was placed nearby. He shot an awkward grin at the waitress, holding up a finger as if to say,  _ I’m sorry please just give me a second I swear I’m going to order something. _ The waitress seemed to understand and she nodded in response. 

 

     “I dunno, man. I just have so many places to be.” Jared drawled in a clearly joking matter.

  
     “Mhmm.” Michael hummed skeptically, smiling ever so slightly. It was a lot easier to speak to Jared about mindless things after basically sharing his life story with him.

 

     “I’ll be there in ten minutes.” 

 

     “Don’t expect me to order for you.” 

 

     “Whatever.” Michael was about to say his goodbyes, only to find that Jared had already hung up. He chuckled as he pocketed his phone and headed over to where the waitress stood at the counter.  _ Jailhouse Rock _ played on the nearby jukebox and there was the distinct quiet chattering of the few others that were sat in the diner.

 

     “What can I get for you tonight?” The waitress asked cheerfully.

 

     “Uh, yeah can I get a fuckin’ uhh…” Michael blushed furiously as he realized just what he’d said, making the waitress hold back a laugh. He apologized profusely before continuing. “Uhm...A small vanilla shake and some fries.” The waitress still smiled as she typed in his order.

 

     “Will that be all?” She asked as she looked back up at him.

 

     “Uh...Yeah.” He replied with an awkward smile as he shoved his hands into his pocket.

 

     “Alright, your total is $10.80”

 

     Michael pulled his hand out of his pocket, pulling out some crumpled bills and handing them over. The waitress, her tag read Barbara, Michael noticed, opened up the register and placed the bills inside, grabbing a few coins and handing them back to Michael along with his receipt. It had a hastily scribbled number on it. 

 

     “You can go ahead and sit down, we’ll bring your order out in a moment.” Michael gave her another awkward smile as he made his way to the seating area. There was only a few people there and a two children, brother and sister, Michael assumed, were fighting over who got to play one of the arcade games first. Michael cracked a smile at that as he walked over to the familiar pac man machine in the room. Seeing as it was fairly old, it was neglected in comparison to the rest of the more modern games. Michael grinned a little as he made his way to the machine and pulled two quarters out of his pocket. He slid them into the machine’s slot, ignoring the sour memories that arose at the mere sight of the game. He ignored the thoughts. He wasn’t going to let them ruin his fun.

 

     “Wow. I thought Evan was a nerd.” Michael jumped slightly, Jared’s voice surprised him. The game over screen flashed in front of Michael, making him glare at Jared’s reflection and wonder why he hadn’t seen his shit eating grin earlier. He must’ve been too distracted, he decided.

 

     “Fucking hell, Jared!  _ Don’t do that. _ ” Michael turned around and narrowed his eyes at Jared, who shrugged unapologetically. He hadn’t exactly expected to scare Michael, but he got a kick out of it anyway. 

 

     “This place is pretty damn cool.”

 

     “Uh, duh.” Michael turned around and raised an eyebrow at Jared. “You ever even been here?”  When he responded with a simple shrug, Michael laughed. “You sure from around here, man?” Jared gasped as he placed a hand onto his chest and feigned offence.

 

     “For your information,  _ Mr. Mell, _ I’ve lived here my entire life.” He huffed as he crossed his arms. “I just never bothered to come here.”

 

     “Right, Right.” Michael rolled his eyes, shoving his hands into his pockets as he stared awkwardly down at Jared. He seemed to look more and more nervous as the tense silence went on. Michael spoke up again. “Alright, man. What’s bothering you?” He asked, a questioning expression on his face. He’d made sure not to forget what Jared had said about wallowing in self-pity. Jared gave him a look of mock surprise.

 

     “Bother????  _ In my me??? _ It’s more likely than you think.” He gasped, plastering on his signature fake grin. When Michael didn’t let up, he groaned. “ _ Fine.  _  We can talk about feelings or whatever.”

 

     “Number 56?” Before Michael could respond, a waitress walked out into the seating area, holding a tray with his order. He raised his hand and grinned at the waitress. He thanked her as she handed over his tray.

 

     “Only if you share your food with me.” Jared added as he gave Michael a lopsided grin. Michael rolled his eyes and sighed. 

  
     “Fine. You’re buying me something next time.” Michael muttered. Jared wiggled his eyebrows.

 

     “Oh, so there’ll be a next time?”

 

     “Not if you don’t shut up and hurry.” Michael replied over his shoulder, already beginning to walk away. 

 

     “Where are we going? The tables are in here.” Jared followed Michael regardless of that fact, because what else was he to do?

 

     “There are tables outside, dude. It’s quieter, anyways.” Michael pulled the door open, leaning against it to let Jared through first. 

 

     “What a gentleman.” Jared joked with a wide smirk. Michael narrowed his eyes at him. 

 

     “Just sit at one of the tables, dammit.” He muttered as he backed away from the door and let it slide shut. Jared groaned dramatically as he plopped down at the table. Michael sat in front of him and set the tray onto the table. He took a french fry and dipped it into his milkshake, earning a nod of approval from Jared. “Alright. Talk.” He demanded as he shoved it into his mouth. Jared narrowed his eyes at him.

 

     “Do you always like to talk about feelings this much?” He asked with a hint of annoyance in his voice. He earned only a glare from Michael. Jared sighed loudly and stayed silent for a moment as he pondered about what exactly he’d say. “He, uh….He doesn’t need me anymore, Michael.” Jared started softly. He began drumming his fingers against the table anxiously. “He, uh...Well I…” Jared tried to find a way to tell Michael about all of it without telling him the truth about the Connor Project. He was furious, he wanted to yell at Evan and tell him how much he’d hurt him. He knew he was just as bad though, worse probably. Jared was always such a  _ dick _ to Evan. He didn’t deserve his friendship. So he didn’t know why he was so upset if he wasn’t worthy of even a sliver of Evan’s attention. 

 

     Jared clenched his jaw as he averted his gaze. Michael’s fries sat on the table, forgotten as Michael placed a hand on Jared's shoulder, causing him to look up. 

 

     “Hey…” he began softly, a concerned expression on his face. “It’s okay.” Jared bit the inside of his cheek as one of his hands reached up to touch his now wet cheeks. Somehow, he hadn't noticed when the hot tears started to drip out of his eyes. He let out a choked attempt at a laugh. 

 

     “F-feelings, am I right?” He forced out, wiping away his hot tears.

 

     “Hey, it’s okay, Jared. You don’t have to talk.”    
  


     “No. I...I want to.” Jared licked his lips nervously, his tears salty against his tongue. The night air felt cool against his skin. He took a few deep breaths. Michael nodded and pulled his hand away from where it rested on Jared’s shoulder. He listened intently, waiting. Once Jared was sure he could continue, he spoke up again. “The Connor Project has taken off. I’m sure you’ve heard of the newest goal.” Another nod from Michael. “Well, when this whole thing started it was just me and him. I was a dick to him, and I don’t deserve an ounce of his friendship, but I’m fucking done with this shit. I can’t just fucking talk to him without being a dick because I don’t know how to deal with these shitty feelings. I don’t even know how to explain it, dammit. You probably think I’m a douche too.” Michael shook his head, offering a sympathetic look.

 

     “Of course I don’t.” His words were hushed and comforting as he placed a hand onto Jared’s arm. Jared just looked away.

 

     “I want to say that Evan and I have a complicated friendship, but I don’t think that would be telling the truth. The truth is that I love him, and I have for a long time. I don’t know how to show any sort of kindness without letting that bleed into my words. He’ll think I’m weird and he won't like me even if I try to be nice to him!” Jared ran his fingers through his short hair. “It doesn’t matter now anyway. I...I tried to mess around with him today, just a little...Like how I used to, but he...He didn’t even-- It wasn’t like how it used to be. Now instead of just being mildly annoyed, he acts like I’m some sort of huge inconvenience. He doesn’t even...He just doesn’t need my help with The Connor Project at all lately. I asked if I could help out with the fundraiser, just so that I could be of some sort of use to him, but he just brushed me off and said he didn’t need help.” Jared clenched his jaw once more and his gaze became distant. 

 

     “Jared.” Michael breathed out softly as he rubbed Jared’s arm absentmindedly. When Jared didn’t respond he spoke up a little. “Jared. Look at me, man.” Jared’s gaze flickered over to Michael. “It’s not your fault.”

 

     “It is.” Jared insisted as he tore his gaze away once more. “If I wasn’t such a shitty person none of this would’ve ever happened.”

 

     “You don’t know that.” Michael made an attempt to sooth Jared, still lightly tracing his fingertips along his arm. “And yes, you’ve done some less than good things, but that doesn’t make you a shit person. People make mistakes, jared. Plus, you could always try apologizing.”  Michael pulled his hand away. “What was that you said to me when we first met?”

 

     “I don’t-”  
  
     “We can’t just sit here and let this happen to us.” Michael reminded him as a smile crept onto his face. He gave a light push to Jared’s shoulder. “Try not to think of him for a while...and...I’ll try not to think about Jeremy.” Michael knew that Jared would protest, so he quickly added, “I know it’s hard, but hey! I’m still here! You’re still here! So take a french fry and dip it into the damn milkshake and just forget, man. Just you and me for tonight!” jared couldn’t help but crack a smile at Michael’s enthusiasm. 

 

     “You got me there, man.” Jared took a french fry and dipped it into the milkshake. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys. I'm really sorry that this chapter took so long, but I'm glad to say that I finally finished. I really hope you enjoy the Kleinmell Content(tm) in this chapter!


	5. Shitty nights

          There was a difference between a bad night, an awful night, and a shitty night. 

 

_           This is a shitty night, _ Evan thought to himself. After he’d unceremoniously slammed his laptop shut and left a very obviously upset Jared by himself, Heidi had wanted to talk. Evan had tried to use the usual,  _ Can’t talk, going to Jared’s  _ excuse, but when Heidi said something about The Connor Project, he froze in place. Heidi wasn’t supposed to know. What was he even supposed to say to all of that? 

 

_           Oh, yeah mom, by the way I lied about not knowing that kid who killed himself and now I’m the co-president of a huge fundraiser for him!  _ Yeah, no. The conversation that was never meant to be turned into a fight a lot quicker than Evan had anticipated. Evan panicked. His heart was racing as he tried to dismiss everything. His mouth had moved a mile a minute and things that he’d never say, things that he didn’t mean, all poured out in a desperate attempt to not give everything away. He knew what he was saying, he knew it was all awful. Heidi knowing was too risky though. If he got caught he’d lose it all. He’d be all by himself again. No, no. He just couldn’t afford that. 

 

          Heidi had seemed to shrink at Evan’s words and at one point she seemed to have given up. She tried understanding and Evan could tell. It made the guilt that had settled into his stomach rise up into his throat and make him want to throw up. He flinched away when Heidi tried to pull him into a hug. No, he didn’t deserve her affection after being such a terrible son. After that she just let him go, too tired to keep him there any longer. Evan knew he was terrible for thinking this, but he was glad he could leave.

 

          He headed straight to the Murphy’s house after that. Larry had offered to donate some stuff to auction in order to raise money for The Connor Project and how could Evan turn that down? Now him and Larry were sifting through all of the old collectors items that they had stashed away. 

 

          “If you get the right people to come here then you can raise money easily.” Larry commented as he held up some old baseball cards. Most of the items that were on the table were baseball related. It wasn't as boring as most would think. Or maybe that was just because this was the closest Evan had gotten to a father/son relationship in years. Whatever, Evan was enjoying himself anyway. 

 

          “Oh, definitely! I'll be sure to tell Alana about this. I'm sure she'll be stoked” Evan continued before Larry could speak. “Thank...thank you for donating all of this stuff, Mr. Murphy.” Larry stopped sifting through the boxes in front of them for a second and turned his gaze to Evan.

 

          “Please, no need to be so formal, Evan. You're part of the family. You've done so much for us.” Larry’s smile wavered a little. “You did a lot for Connor too.” Before the knot of guilt could begin to rise up into Evan’s throat, Zoe entered the garage. Larry cleared his throat as he began to sift through the boxes in front of him again.

 

          “Dad?” Zoe lifted an eyebrow, a hand on her hip. Larry looked up at her, seemingly pretending that she hadn't just caught him in an almost sentimental moment. He plastered on a grin.

 

          “Zoe! Evan and I were just looking through some of this old stuff from my collection! Why don't you join us?” Zoe made a face. 

 

          “Dad, stop torturing him.” Evan’s eyes widened as he put his hands up in front of him.

 

          “No, no! He's not--it's not torture!” Evan said a bit too loudly. He could feel the way that both Larry and Zoe were looking at him and it suddenly made him feel small. “What--What I mean is that I’m...I’m h-having fun.” He tugged on the ends of his hoodie, looking at the ground. Zoe gave him a skeptical look, but ultimately sighed and nodded. She turned to leave

 

          “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” She called in a singsong voice as she walked out. Larry scoffed.

 

          “Women, am I right?” He barked a laugh, his comment effectively making Evan cringe. He made a face and hid it by looking away.

 

          “I know…” Evan replied awkwardly, internally wincing at his own words. He fidgeted slightly and jolted a little when Larry spoke up again. 

 

          “So you and Zo, huh?” Evan’s gaze darted to Larry and he tried his best to not look as nervous as he was, which was hard to do when his face was red.

 

          “I--” he began, only to be interrupted by Larry. 

 

          “No, no! It’s...It’s great.” 

 

          There was a beat of awkward silence and Evan felt his palms begin to sweat.

 

          “ _ This glove is really cool, wow. _ ” Evan snatched up a baseball glove that rested on the table in front of them and pretended to be interested even though he’d never even played baseball save for a few times he had to because of P.E. Larry smiled kindly at him. It felt off somehow. Evan wasn’t used to Larry smiling so genuinely.

 

          “Why don’t you take it?” He offered. Evan’s eyes widened and he put his hands in front of him.

 

          “Oh, no, no! I couldn’t!” He went to put it back on the table, but Larry pushed it back into his hands.

 

          “I insist, Evan. Consider it a thank you gift.” 

 

          “For--For what?” 

 

          “For helping us through this.” Larry swallowed and looked down at the baseball cards in his hand, very clearly feigning interest in them. “For letting us see Connor for who he was and--and not for what he appeared to be. Thank you.” Evan stayed silent. Even if he wanted to say something he just-- He couldn’t. The familiar heavy weight of guilt settled low in his stomach. Evan brushed his thumb over the glove’s smooth leather. It seemed fairly new.

 

          “It’s--It’s um...A really nice glove, Mr--Er...L-Larry. Are you sure I can have it?” Evan asked as he looked up at Larry, who nodded at him.

 

          “I bought that glove so long ago.” There was a sense of sad nostalgia in his voice. “For Christmas maybe...Or his birthday. Yeah.” His smile wavered a little as he looked down at his feet. “I thought maybe Connor and I could play catch or something.” Larry looked back at Evan, who listened in silence. Evan could feel a knot in his throat forming and he felt as if he’d dirtied the glove. He shouldn’t be allowed to touch it, he thought.

 

          “He, uh...He left it in the bag. Never even took the tag off.” Larry looked down at some of the items on the table. The memory was clearly off-putting to him. For a second, Evan swore he could hear a twinge of emotion in Larry’s voice. Larry, however, did not appear to want to show any of that emotion. Evan wasn’t sure he could handle it anyway.

 

\--

 

          “Thank you for finally inviting me over.” Zoe smiled sweetly and leaned against the door frame. Evan messed with the ends of his hoodie sleeves and avoided meeting Zoe’s gaze. 

 

          “Yeah, um… No--No problem” He licked his lips nervously. Somehow he felt that Zoe would find something that would give everything away and then--

 

          “When did you say your mom would be getting home?” Zoe’s voice snapped Evan out of his thoughts. He was grateful for that.

 

          “Oh, uh...Not for another few hours I think.” He replied as he awkwardly scratched the back of his neck. Zoe mad a small humming noise before grinning widely.

 

          “We should totally throw a kegger.” 

 

          “Totally.”

 

          “Until your mom gets home.”

 

          “In three hours!”

 

          Both of them made eye contact for less than a second before they both keeled over laughing. Evan calmed his laughter a lot faster than Zoe. This gave him just enough time to watch the way she laughed. She was so beautiful when she was happy. 

 

          She was too good for him. Especially after how much he’d lied to her. Evan’s thoughts were cut off when Zoe stopped laughing and wiped away a tear. Her focus shifted to the scholarship essays that sat on the bedside table. She gave him a questioning look and Evan was across the room and snatching them away in less than a second. Zoe frowned.

 

          “What are those?” 

 

          “It’s stupid they’re just theses dumb scholarship essays that my mom is super obsessed with because we can’t really afford college-- It’s really no big deal, okay it's a waste of--” Zoe cut Evan off as she placed a hand on his shoulder.

 

          “Hey, Evan. It’s fine.” She spoke softly. She was still frowning a little. “You’re rambling again…” Evan clamped his mouth shut as he crumpled the ends of the paper in his hands just slightly. He averted his gaze.

 

          “Right, um...Sorry--Sorry.” 

 

          “You don’t have to apologize, Evan.” Zoe reassured as she gently ran her hand down Evan’s arm to take his hand in her own. She stroked her thumb over Evan’s.

 

          “Right, right...S-Sorry-- I mean-- Okay…” Evan chewed on his lip. His face went red as Zoe brought their intertwined fingers to her lips. He abruptly pulled away, leaving Zoe with a slightly surprised look on her face. He tapped his fingers onto the sides of his thighs and pointedly avoided looking Zoe in the eye. Just imagining the hurt look on her face was enough.

 

          “Evan?”

 

          “So Alana and I have been discussing some stuff for the Connor Project and I really think--”

 

          “We need to talk.” Zoe interrupted. Evan’s gaze shot up and he felt his face go pale as a the words,  _ She knows and she’s breaking up with you and is never going to forgive you and she’ll tell everybody what you did and nobody will ever speak to you again, _ began to play over and over in his head as he stopped speaking. He inhaled deeply and looked down at his shoes as he bit the inside of his cheek. Zoe took an immediate notice to his reaction.

 

          “What’s wrong?” She questioned, furrowing her brows. Even when she was worrying, she looked beautiful. Evan tried to accept that after this he’d never see her again.

 

          “No, um...Nothing.” Evan swallowed thickly as he pulled on the ends of his hoodie. “It’s just that you’re breaking up with me and that’s why you came over in the first place. I can’t believe I had the nerve to-- I mean, I don’t even know if we’re dating officially or whatever!” Evan felt tears pooling in his eyes as he shrugged. 

 

          “Evan, wait--”

 

          “No, no it’s fine you can just do it, I promise I won’t freak out and  _ start breaking things!” _ Evan sniffled and wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie as he held back tears. Zoe stepped forward and cupped Evan’s face in her hand. She wiped away a stray tear that had rolled down his cheek.

 

          “Evan...I’m not breaking up with you…” Evan bit his tongue. Her voice had sounded so soft and reassuring when she said that and--God, Evan just  _ assumed _ \-- “ _ Evan! _ ” Zoe’s voice snapped him out of his daze again. “Look at me,  _ please. _ ” 

 

          “I’m sorry I just-- I assumed and I really shouldn’t do that and I’m just so...so  _ glad _ .” He laughed and sniffled softly as a few more tears slipped down his cheeks. Zoe wiped them away and kissed the trails they left behind. Evan smiled wearily and Zoe returned the smile in that way she always did.

 

          “Look, Evan…” She blushed a little as she looked away. “I don’t want to keep this a secret anymore.” Evan’s heart sank.  _ No no no no no no no no no no no no, nobody can ever know everyone will judge us and the worst part is that they’ll be right to judge me because who the hell dates their dead best friend’s sister? _

 

          Who the hell  _ lies _ about being a dead kid’s best friend and then dates his  _ sister _ ?

 

          “Zoe I-- We...Can’t” Evan pulled away and curled in slightly on himself as he saw the way that Zoe flinched a little. He crossed his arms over his chest, his fingers digging into the fabric of his hoodie.

 

          “Why...Why not?” Zoe reached out to touch Evan, who flinched away. Evan’s voice was much too loud and almost... _ desperate _ as he responded.

 

          “We just can’t okay?!” He winced at his own voice. “Wait, Zoe, I--” Zoe put a hand up to stop him.

 

          “You know what?” She crossed her arms, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. “If you’re...Embarrassed or something then just say so because--”

 

          “No, Zoe, I didn’t mean it that way--”

 

          “Then what did you mean, Evan?” The hurt tone in Zoe’s voice made Evan flinch. He clamped his mouth shut and dug his nails into his palm. He bit at his lip as he tried to think of something-- anything-- to say. 

 

          “People are going to say things…” He managed to choke out. Zoe furrowed her brows and bit the inside of her cheek.

 

          “So what? What are they going to say, huh? Why should it even matter?” Her nails dug into her arms. Evan opened his mouth to say something. “Forget it, okay? It’s getting late anyway. I should just go.” Evan tried to swallow around the thick knot of guilt in his throat.

 

          “Zoe,  _ please _ \--” Zoe turned away and began to walk away. She stopped in front of the door and looked over her shoulder at Evan. She was crying.

 

          “My whole life everything’s been about Connor. I just...Wanted this to myself.” She walked out and Evan couldn’t bring himself to follow her.

  
          This really _ was  _ a shitty night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok ok ok ok ok ok ok-- So updates are going to be a bit slow for a while, but I should explain the events of this chapter a little. If you guys don't like Zoe, then I'm sorry but she's one of my faves and she also deserved better, but this was all necessary for future events. As for Jeremy, who hasn't been in the past few chapters, I'm sorry. He'll be in the next one I promised. I just really needed to get this outta the way for plot's sake. Anyways!!! I really hope you enjoy this chapter and feel free to follow my tumblr :https://sharkoregano.tumblr.com and talk to me about ships and stuff!!! I'm always happy to interact with you guys!!! Love you all, by for now!!


	6. Think, Jeremy!

          All was silent and unmoving as Jeremy made his way down one of Middle Borough’s dark hallways. It was... Unsettling to say the least.   
  
          “Are you going to tell me what we’re--uh... What _I’m_ doing here?” Jeremy asked. He usually preferred talking to the squip when nobody was around. The squip made itself visible to Jeremy, who gasped and cursed out loud. It ignored him as it led the way to what appeared to be Rich’s locker. It was decorated with various ‘get well’ cards and some balloons.

 

          “You didn’t answer my--” Jeremy began, only to be interrupted by the squip’s voice.

 

          “Look inside.” Jeremy couldn't even protest before his hand was putting in the locker’s combination. Inside of it was a shoe box.

 

          “Women’s running shoes?” Jeremy asked skeptically, turning to look at the squip’s projected form. The squip rolled its eyes.

 

          “They’re squips, Jeremy.” True to its word, when Jeremy opened up the box, dozens of squips laid inside. Jeremy knew immediately what the squip was implying and he didn’t like it one bit.

 

          “No, no, no, no, no. There is no way I’m squipping the school, man!” Jeremy’s voice cracked. Its sound filled the empty hallways and made him flinch. Somehow he felt he had to be quiet even with no one around. The way that the squip’s expression seemed to darken made Jeremy feel weary.

 

          “It’s the only way to get what you want, Jeremy.” The squip seemed to make a show of casually examining its nails as it smirked. It felt as if it was taunting Jeremy. “We can start... Smaller, if you’d like.” it’s voice held a tone that made Jeremy uncomfortable.

 

          “What do you... What do you mean?” he asked hesitantly. His voice was hushed, though it seemed all too loud in the dark school hallways. The squip looked at him like he was an absolute idiot. Jeremy shot it a half hearted glare, looking down in surprise as his hand started to move without his permission.

 

          “I mean,” The squip began as Jeremy involuntarily pulled out his phone. “The Connor Project.” Sure enough, on the screen in front of him was the page for The Connor Project. Jeremy shut Rich’s locker, turning his back to it and sinking down to the floor.

 

          “How is this starting small, exactly?” He murmured as he avoided looking at the squip.

 

          “Well,” it began as it squatted down to Jeremy’s level. It manipulated his body in a way that forced him to look at it. “Let me remind you of Evan Hansen.” Jeremy tried to think of why the name sounded so familiar, but failed to do so.

 

          “I have no idea what you’re saying, man.” He finally admitted as he shoved his cell phone into his pocket. The squip sighed audibly as it stood straight once more. It forcefully triggered one of Jeremy’s memories thoroughly making him jolt as he remembered the event in vivid detail.

 

 _“Alright, everybody, next up please welcome Evan Hansen.”_ A teacher’s voiced echoed in Jeremy’s head as the memory played back. A boy stood at the front of the auditorium. His fingers had been twitching at his sides and he was visibly nervous. Evan Hansen. Jeremy remembered that that day had been one of the last of the school year and all the 8th graders had to give presentations in front of the school as a final project of sorts, since it was their last year and all.

 

 _“Good--um, Good afternoon! I’m here to um-- to talk about--about the leaf...the leaf...f-filters.”_ Evan had been tugging on the ends of his shirt with one hand, the other having been at his side and still drumming away at his thigh. Jeremy remembered watching the way he struggled with his words, seemingly having forgotten how to word his topic. Leaf filters, what the hell does that mean? Jeremy remembered someone asking him but he couldn’t for the life of him figure out who. The memory played on regardless of that fact and Jeremy saw Evan panicking and the next thing he knew, Evan was being escorted to the nurse’s office due to an anxiety attack.

 

          “I don’t know what you want me to do.” Jeremy finally spoke up. The squip glared down at him and sent a shock through Jeremy’s body, making his back arch up off of where it leaned against the lockers as he cried out.

 

          “ _Think,_ Jeremy!” It scolded as it began pacing. Jeremy’s chest heaved as he tried to catch his breath. His body ached and his lungs burned. His mind was racing as he tried to make some sort of connection, not wanting to get another shock. Jeremy had learned long before not to displease the squip. He shut his eyes tight, burying his head in his hands as he tried to think of something, _anything_.

 

          Then it clicked. How could Jeremy not have remembered? Evan was the so called co-president of the Connor project. Then the squips in Rich’s locker meant--

 

          “Exactly!” The squip grinned in triumph. It was then that Jeremy remembered he didn’t have to speak to be heard. “If you do this we can get to more people! They can help you achieve your goal!” There was a glint in the squip’s eye that unsettled Jeremy. It began to pace as it spoke, it’s voice echoing down the halls. “Just hear me out, Jeremy!” It waved its arms for emphasis and it seemed sickeningly excited at the thought. “Everyone in the school, Jeremy, no, almost everyone in the world works a different way! They don’t know how to act correctly, Jeremy! If they do, they can all help you achieve your goal!” The excitement in its voice made Jeremy’s stomach churn. He gulped, gathering up all his courage so as to say... _no._

 

          “I don’t-- I don’t think it’s a good idea.” The squip’s grin vanished, replaced with a glare. Jeremy fully prepared himself to be shocked, even going as far as to hug his knees to his chest and squeeze his eyes shut. He was surprised when he felt no pain.

 

          “Nobody else knows what’s best for you, Jeremy. _Only I do._ So I need you to listen.” its glare seemed to disappear almost immediately after appearing. It made Jeremy wonder if he’d just imagined it. “Christine will love you, but you need to cooperate. I can’t help you if you just keep refusing!” The squip knelt in front of Jeremy once more, and though it was unable to touch him, Jeremy felt a coolness where it cupped his cheek.

 

          “Don’t you remember, Jeremy?” There was a sickeningly sweet smile on the squip’s face as it caressed Jeremy’s cheek. “ _Everything about you is so terrible._ ” It sang softly, a painful tribute to the old songs that Jeremy wrote for himself. The songs that were supposed to make him feel good. The squip ran a thumb along Jeremy’s cheek.

 

          “ _Everything about you makes me wanna die.”_ Jeremy’s chest was heaving as he scrambled to push the squip away, his hands going through its projected form pathetically.  He stood quickly, a flurry of blurred emotions going through his head. He was frustrated and...and _scared_. The way that the squip spoke to him was so sweet and almost seemed to resemble a parent comforting a child, but that wasn’t the case and it made Jeremy want to retch. The way that the squip’s words were manipulating him made him even queasier.

 

          “Fine! I’ll do it.” His voice came out slightly raspy and full of desperation. The squip was _right._ It always was, no matter how much it unsettled Jeremy. The squip smiled at him as it straightened up and came up from behind Jeremy. It placed its hands onto his shoulders.

 

          “Good.” Jeremy glared at the air, his fists clenched at his sides. “Now let's get you home. You have a long day tomorrow if we’re going to get this done.”

 

\--

 _“Do you feel any better?”_ Jared laid in his bed, his eyes glued to the ceiling. He reminisced about the recent encounter he’d had with Michael, whose voice had been much too quiet when he’d asked the question. Soft music had still been playing at the time, the neon lights illuminating both of them in that moment. Jared recalled having answered with his usual nonchalance, his laughter having interrupted the surrounding quiet. Jared couldn’t help but remember the way that the light blue hue of the neon lights lit up Michael’s smile and--

 

_Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope._

 

          “Not today, asshole.” Jared muttered, throwing his arm over his eyes and groaning. He hadn’t even kept track of how long he’d been friends with Michael, but he did know that he was far too attached at that point. Michael seemed to be as well, but....but what if he wasn’t and he was just being nice? Yeah that was probably it.

 

          Jared knew that he had a habit of getting extremely attached to almost anybody that showed him some sort of affection. He wondered if maybe that was why he didn’t have that many friends. Or maybe he was that was _because_ he didn’t have any friends, which was completely his fault anyway. If he wasn’t such a dick then maybe he could--

 

          Jared stopped that train of thought as he forced himself to sit up. He grabbed his glasses from where he’d momentarily set them on his bed and pushed them onto the bridge of his nose. There was a smudge on them from earlier that night when he’d tried to push his glasses up to wipe away his tears. He sighed loudly and dramatically as he stood from his bed and raised his hands above his head to stretch. He didn’t bother to wipe the annoying smudge from his glasses as he retrieved his laptop and plopped back onto his bed with it on his lap. As soon as he logged in he could see that there were dozens of messages from Evan. Jared glared at the screen as he hesitated to open them.

 

**8:15**

 

**_jared i  need to talk to someone right now._ **

 

**8:16**

 

**_its about zoe_ **

 

          Jared stilled. Evan always punctuated his sentences. Jared knew that he felt like people would laugh if he made typos. Usually he only ignored punctuation and spelling when he was upset. Jared was about to read the rest of the messages when suddenly Evan’s screen name popped up onto his screen, along with the words, _Evan.Hansen_ _is calling you._

 

          Huh.

  
          Evan wasn't usually one to initiate a call.

 

          Despite everything that had happened earlier that night, Jared found himself accepting the call. Evan’s voice came onto the speakers before Jared could even give his usual, ‘Sup dweeb’.

 

          “ _Jared I fucked up I really fucked up_.” Evan sounded like he’d been crying. It made Jared’s stomach churn. He couldn’t believe he’d just been out with Michael when Evan clearly _needed_ _him_.

 

          “Hold your damn horses, Evan. I need you to stop hyperventilating and tell me what’s wrong.” Jared tried feigning his usual nonchalance but he couldn’t help the worry that seeped into his words. He could hear Evan take a few deep breaths and he licked his lips nervously as he waited.

 

          “I just-- Zoe, she--she came over and we were--we were talking about the Connor project and--and she wanted to…to make our relationship p-public, but I just-- I couldn’t and then she--she got mad and stormed off and--” Jared heard Evan sniffle and wondered if he’d started crying. The thought made a lump form in his throat.

  
  


          Sure, Jared hadn’t been happy that Evan had gotten together with Zoe, and he’d even wished they’d break up for a few weeks before accepting the fact, but he didn’t _really_ want them to break up. Zoe did what Jared couldn’t. She made Evan happy and, well, as much as it hurt, that was enough. The sound of Evan hiccuping brought Jared back to reality and reminded him that he was supposed to be there for Evan.

 

          “Shit, Evan, I--” Jared flinched as he heard Evan begin to cry for what he assumed was the second or third time, judging by the way his voice had been hoarse when he’d called. “Stop...Stop crying, Evan because-- because if you start crying then I’m going to start crying and--and then everyone will be crying and--”

 

          “I’m--I’m  sorry.” Evan croaked, his shuddery breaths interrupting Jared.

 

          “Shut... Shut up, acorn.” Jared immediately regretted his wording as he heard Evan let out a sob. He pulled off his glasses and wiped his face as he sighed in frustration.

 

          “No, dammit, I-- Just... You didn’t do anything--anything _wrong_ .” He forced out as he hoped he’d said the right thing. Usually he didn’t comfort Evan like this but the way that he just seemed so-- so _heartbroken_ felt like a stab in the heart. “She--She doesn’t know what she’s missing. If you didn’t want to go public with the relationship then you...you have your reasons, okay? She should’ve at least respected that.” Evan’s breathing quickened a little as he let a strangled noise escape him.

 

          “No--I should’ve--”

 

          “Stop it, Evan. Stop thinking so much. Sometimes things don’t work out and you just need to accept that, okay? If my dumb ass can do it then so can yours.” Jared’s voice came out just a little too harsh. It made him flinch.

 

          “I should--I should get going.” Evan audibly sniffled and Jared could practically see the pained look on his face from just his tone of voice alone.

 

          “Evan come on I didn’t mean--”

 

          “I don’t care, Jared!” Evan finally snapped, making Jared’s eyes widen. “I don’t even know why I called in the first place, okay? It’s not like--It’s not like you were just going to start caring all of a sudden!” There’s so much pain in his voice and so much _anger_ and Jared can’t take the fact it’s directed at him.

 

          All the things that Evan had done, all the negative feelings that he’d forced Jared to endure had just been forgotten so that he could help him and it all just blew up in Jared’s face. Jared could never forget how much he loved Evan, he could never forget how he made his heart skip a beat when he giggled or how he just looked so _beautiful_ when he was happy...

 

          And he could never forget how he broke his heart into a million pieces.

 

          “You know what, Evan? Fuck you! _Fuck you_ ! I’m fucking trying, okay?!” Jared’s voice cracked, making him breathe out shakily and wipe his eyes with the palms of his hands. “I wasn’t trying to tell you to just fucking _get over it!”_ Evan’s end went silent, and Jared didn’t even give him a chance to say anything.

 

          “If you haven’t fucking noticed yet, Evan, I’m not good at talking or having friends or _being nice_ .  You aren’t the only one who feels-- who feels fucking alone and like-- like nobody is there for you! You fucking _had_ Zoe there and then all of a sudden I just didn’t matter to you! It’s not my job to comfort you or whatever after you’ve been such a dick to me this whole time!”

 

          “And you haven’t been?” Evan’s voice came out cold and Jared briefly wondered when he’d stopped crying.

 

          Jared tried and failed to hide his emotions as he retorted, “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

 

          “I don’t know Jared. Maybe you should--” Evan cut himself off, seemingly hesitant. “Maybe you should take a good look at yourself and figure out what I mean.” Evan didn’t even give Jared time to respond and suddenly, Jared was alone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is anybody still here after my three week hiatus? I don't know but if you are I want you to know that I love you with my entire heart. Recently it's been a bit hard for me to concentrate on things, and it will probably take a little longer to pump out the updates, but I assure you all that I'm not abandoning this fic. All of you that have commented nice things onto my fics fill me with joy and I love each and every one of you.
> 
> As for the chapter itself, I've been waiting to get to the good stuff and I'm glad I'm finally able to write it. There's this one line in particular that I like, and I hope that you guys know who I'm referring to in said line ;) 
> 
> Also nobody can convince me otherwise that Jared wouldn't just put everything down to talk to Evan after everything that happened. He's too in love you guys.
> 
> Talk to me on tumblr please I love y'all so much
> 
> sharkoregano.tumblr.com


	7. The one who's story would never be told

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His laptop sat in front of him, forgotten. Forgotten like Connor. The real Connor. The one who Jared had been nothing but cruel to, the one that could’ve hurt him, but never did.
> 
>  
> 
> The one who’s true story would never be told.

The dim light of the laptop no longer did its work of lighting up Jared’s dark room after he shut it. His eyes were trained on his wall as he fully processed what had happened. His mind felt numb even as a tear rolled down his cheek and splattered onto the back of his hand. He wiped it away and took a shaky breath as he finally processed what _really_ happened. It was time to think about this. Time to stop running away.

 

Jared felt anger begin to course through his veins as more hot tears rolled down his cheeks. He sniffled and choked on a sob. One would think that he was angry because of Evan, and he _was_ , but that wasn’t the only reason. He was mad at _himself_.

 

He had never planned to get attached. Not to Evan. Their friendship truly _had_ started because of their mothers being friends, but Jared had started to like Evan not too far into their friendship. So no, he wasn’t upset solely because of Evan. He was upset because he had dropped _everything_ to help him. Just like that. Jared had actually felt... _guilty_ for hanging out with Michael when Evan had needed him.

 

It wasn’t Evan’s fault, and it never would be, because he never asked for Jared to be an asshole and he never asked Jared to get attached to him and to become codependent, or--or for him to fall in love. It just... _happened_ , and Jared wished that it never had. It wasn’t like Evan had forced him do anything with or for him. Jared always did though, and he even offered first occasionally. Even in the past where he was reluctant to do things or acted like it was some sort of huge burden when Evan asked him to come over, he always agreed and even _wanted to_. Maybe, Jared thought, maybe if he hadn’t been such an asshole, Evan wouldn’t have felt the need to create false friendships. Maybe Evan would’ve come to love Jared too.

 

It was a stupid thought and Jared knew that, but it was still there. So maybe not everything was Evan’s fault, but he wasn’t innocent like Jared had previously thought him to be. In fact, Jared had been an asshole far too many times to Evan, who never went cold or held a grudge. Jared liked that about Evan. He still stuck around even when jared joked about a certain someone looking ‘school shooter chic’, or about them looking like...like an _emo trash bag,_ and...and Even though it was something he _never_ should have said, something awful that could’ve and probably _did_ push someone to the edge.

 

Jared shook his head. No..It...It wasn’t his fault. It couldn’t be. It wasn’t like Connor had the perfect life. Jared was just another dark stain in what was Connor’s short 18 years of living. Evan had told Jared about how bad Connor’s family life was, and Jared knew that Connor had been bullied, even though no one ever talked about that. Jared knew because he was one of the people who called him names and started rumors.

 

Somehow in between all of that, Jared realized that he was crying even harder than before. Sobs shook his body as he wiped the snot away with his hand. There was nothing to be disgusted at other than himself. In that moment his mind was far too preoccupied to acknowledge that there were tissues on his nightstand.

 

 _It’s your fault you know,_ his mind said to him. _You’re a bully. You hurt people._ Jared couldn’t disagree. They were his own thoughts after all. Jared pulled one of his pillows close to his chest and hugged it tightly as he hiccuped. The world felt darker than before and the sickening feeling of guilt made his stomach churn.

 

“I’m--I’m s--I’m sor-sorry.” He choked out. Part of him hoped that Connor was out there, listening. “I didn’t--I should--should never h-have--I shouldn’t h-have ever s-said those th-things!”

 

There was only silence as he sobbed mixed apologies into his pillow. His laptop sat in front of him, forgotten. Forgotten like Connor. The _real_ Connor. The one who Jared had been nothing but cruel to, the one that could’ve hurt him, but never did.

 

The one who’s true story would never be told.

 

There were only a few things that Jared knew about Connor. Like how he never let Jared insult him without insulting him back, or how Connor’s insults would frighten and anger Jared all at the same time, because how could Jared let someone like Connor say those things to him? He used to think so lowly of Connor, and now, well…

 

Jared didn’t know what to think. Jared had gotten to write a new story for Connor, one where he was happy with Evan. For a while, Jared was almost jealous that fake Connor had gotten to be friends with Evan in their little fucked up story. Then he tried to write himself into it and reality came like a slap to the face.  Connor’s story wasn’t his to write. He was one of the many people who made it impossible for Connor to write his own story.

 

Jared was _disgusting_ . He felt a lump in his throat as he fought back the urge to throw up the contents of his stomach. Connor wasn’t someone who he’d just made up with Evan. He was a _real person_ with a _real family_ who loved him. He was someone that Jared had harassed and laughed at and--And Jared was disgusted with himself for doing this only for Evan, and at Evan for starting this in the first place.

 

Jared’s throat felt sore from his sobbing, and the ugly thought that his mother might hear him kept creeping into his mind and overshadowing everything else as he tried to calm himself. It took more than a few tries and Jared was probably there for around twenty minutes _just_ trying to calm himself down, but he managed. When he finally did, his previous intruding thought came back to him and forced him to hastily sneak out of his bedroom and to the bathroom to clean himself up.

 

The door was shut and locked before Jared finally turned to face the mirror. He studied his reflection and simply stared for a moment. His eyes were red and sore, his hair messy, and his cheeks were stained with tears. His nose was running too, he noted.

 

He looked as disgusting as he felt. He _was_ as disgusting as he-

 

“Jared, honey?” A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts and made him stifle a groan. The last thing he needed was his mom trying to get him to talk about this. She tried to be supportive, he knew that, but she wasn’t good at it at all. He quickly splashed some water onto his face and dried it off on his shirt. He knew it annoyed his mom when he did that, but at this point he was just _tired_ and he didn’t want her to see him like this.

 

“Yeah, mom?” He called out as he picked up his toothbrush. He spread some toothpaste onto the bristles. If there was a possibility that his mother could think that he was simply getting ready for bed, he would take it.

 

“Are you alright in there?” She asked through the door. Jared began to brush his teeth, though that didn’t stop him from attempting to respond.

 

“M’fime!” Was Jared’s garbled response. He could hear his mother sigh and lean against the door.

 

“Are you…” She started off softly, uncertain, Jared assumed. “Are you sure? You...You  know you can talk to me, right? If you--if you ever need to I’m right here.” Jared spat the toothpaste into the sink and rinsed his mouth. He made sure to wash off the bristles of his toothbrush before he put it away. He tried to ignore the concern in her voice as he opened the door.

 

“I’m sure, mom.” Jared insisted with a tired smile. He didn’t even give her time to respond or question him further before he was in his room with his door shut and locked. He didn’t bother turning on his lights and instead blindly placed his laptop onto his desk. There was zero regard for his bedsheets as he just let himself fall onto his bed. He wanted to sleep, but his glasses pushed uncomfortably against his nose, and his phone did the same to his thigh. He twisted slightly in order to place both of them onto his nightstand and then shifted to lay on his side. Jared pulled one of his pillows towards himself and hugged it tightly as he buried his face into it. His eyes felt heavy and they burned with each blink, making it easy for him to drift off into a fitful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hhhhhhhhhhhhngggggggggg this took forever im so sorry!!!
> 
> ive been busy with other things but i swear I haven't given up on this!!! This fic is still kickin!!
> 
> On a different note, I hope you all enjoy this chapter, short as it may be. I know I usually include more than one perspective in a chapter, but I thought that maybe focusing on Jared for one chapter wouldn't hurt. Plus, he brings up some very important points, I think.
> 
> I love you all!! Don't hesitate to talk to me on tumblr im literally a loser
> 
> https://sharkoregano.tumblr.com
> 
> I also have an Evan ask blog which has an ongoing plot, if anyone's interested! (contains treebros/implied treebros if that bothers anyone!!)
> 
> https://plantboyevan.tumblr.com
> 
> It is also paired with my friend's blog,
> 
> https://weedboyconnor.tumblr.com
> 
> The formats are a bit different than normal, but don't hesitate to visit the master post for an explanation!!
> 
> Anyways, I hope y'all have a good night and enjoy this chapter!!!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm the kleinmell and heeresen dad and i love making friends please talk to me on my tumblr abt musicals.
> 
> sharkoregano.tumblr.com
> 
> If you make fanart i will love you forever


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